


a letter, saying that i'll be alright

by euphorla



Series: To. [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, POV First Person, POV Soobin, POV Yeonjun, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29601642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphorla/pseuds/euphorla
Summary: Yeonjun-hyung, I still wish you happiness.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Series: To. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174937
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

We’ve written messages to each other before, but even now, it’s still embarrassing to do. You know I've always been bad with words. I think this is the first time that I'm writing a letter to you without having it posted or broadcasted online. This won’t be filled with words of encouragement that you’re used to receiving or for the sake of team-building. I'm not poetic like Beomgyu, nor as straightforward as Taehyun, and Hueningkai’s sensible when he wants to. But your words always made my night because sometimes when I’m feeling down in the middle of the night, I’d just reread your words of comfort.

I thought that it’d be easier to talk about these things like I was actually speaking to you, as if I actually had the courage to do so. I'm sorry for using you like this, but you don't mind, right? It’s like I'm not alone with just my thoughts. If I can’t convey them well, I hope you can understand them even if it's just a bit, like you always have.

I never wanted to feel this way because I knew that since the moment I met you, I couldn't be yours; yet, my eyes kept following you. You looked intimidating, surrounded by all the other trainees, but if I knew that you complimented me back then, maybe I would’ve approached you first. Our first meeting was nothing special, but it left an impression on me. It was your usual teasing that I became familiar with, but you still overwhelm me with nerves. I think it’s because I was hoping for something more. With sweat-covered hands and a grin, you called out to me.

“Hey! I’m Choi Yeonjun.”

This just reminded me of your confidence. I wonder if you caught me staring at you for a heartbeat too long. It must've looked rude, but I was just surprised. There were plenty of other new trainees around, but why did you only introduce yourself to me? I was always told that I looked timid at the first glance, so I must’ve looked approachable by someone like you.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Choi Soobin.”

“Hm, as expected; your name is just as cute as you.”

“Is it because we have the same surname?”

“That must be it.”

You were far too ahead of me and even when you tried to help—even when you took a step back and with patient hands, tried to pull me into your world where my anxiety and insecurities were short-lived—I was too afraid. I couldn't keep up with you, so I let you go. I was okay with staying behind and supporting you, because it was where you belonged in my world.

I came to you when I was suffering from the expectations and the fatigue of this lifestyle. I was always tired at the end of practice; everyone knew that. But no one knew why I kept practicing after hours with you. The short walks to the convenience store and seeing how our breaths would mingle in the cold air with each burst of laughter whether we were delirious from hunger or fatigue; it didn't matter to me because I got to see you smile. You were suffering just as much as I was, even moreso, yet you still managed to joke around me with languid smiles and corny jokes.

When we’d pass the park, your eyes would always linger at the lake where the moon would somehow always be reflected off it. No matter how many times we’d see the same view, you’d say how beautiful it was.

“Don’t you think the sky is more beautiful since the stars are barely noticeable in the lake?”

I was dumb to ask because the answer was right in front of me. I wonder if you noticed how my breath caught in my throat when you turned to me with the constellations bright in your eyes.

“It’s just… pretty. Like _all_ of it: the reflection, the ripples… I don’t know how to describe it.”

You smiled and I understood at that moment. You're much wiser than me.

When you stopped coming to me about your worries, that was when I knew my place as your friend. I was only a bystander, but I can only blame myself. I wished I was something more, to be that type of person you’d fawn over in romantic movies. To be that person you’d always wake up next to despite our schedules and not through obligation because of the cameras. To be the one that would take the lead and not run away from the slightest feelings of uncertainty. I'm the leader of TXT; everyone thought that this role suited me because I’d hear that I was responsible and attentive, but I'm afraid of leading my own life. Isn’t it funny? You told me I was reliable, but I can’t even trust myself anymore. I stopped believing what anyone would tell me.

I’ve hid this well, haven't I? I bet you had no idea that every excuse I made was to avoid sharing a room with you. I’m sorry for making up those lies.

I keep thinking about what could've happened but, I’ll be more honest; I never thought that I had a chance.

I knew I wasn't the first person you told, because you were always one to think rationally, and you probably knew that if we were to have an actual discussion, I would’ve been stubborn, irrational, and above all, selfish. I would've ignored your best interest in mind and acted up in a tantrum, so I did what I could and stayed quiet. I'd break down if I said anything more.

“Soobin-ah, I’m not renewing the contract.”

I wanted to get rid of your solemn face by joking around, even though the members have been bringing up this topic since the deadline was nearing. I wanted to pretend; I wished you would humor me for a bit.

“Is your rent that expensive? That’s why the maknaes are still living together. You were the one that suggested it was time for us to live separately, you know.”

You looked at me with pity. Did I look angry? Sad? Disappointed? You told me out of nowhere, so I suddenly thought back to when I first saw you cry. You looked so young back then, despite having the burdens of an idol gnawing on your back. I’m sure I cried too, because you were wiping away my tears again. My heart still fluttered. I wanted to listen; I wanted to know my faults, so I asked why.

“Don’t you think we’ve achieved our dream as artists already?”

“What do you mean? There's so much more that we could achieve. It’s only been a few years—How can you think that?”

"But are those any of _your_ goals? Maybe the company's, but I don't aspire for numbers or charts. That's not why we wanted to become idols, right?" 

Yes, you were right, but I just didn't want to admit it.

"I just _—_ "

_—want you to stay._

Ah, why did it hurt so bad? I didn’t understand. We’ve always dreamed of our success as a group, but now I know why I feared that growth. I feared for this moment, when we’d start being more idealistic about our careers. Our promises of continuing for another 10 years was only for the fans. An empty promise made to satisfy the audience. As we learned more about the world, we grew apart. We meet different people with new experiences that we wouldn't share with one another. You already achieved your dreams as an idol, model, designer… I could go on, but for me, I’m still stuck on the moment we met. I want to go back.

I always thought we’d stay together as a family or friends at least. We began losing that teenage mentality, that youthful ego, thinking that the world revolved around us. I had to adapt without you. The promises we made, of staying together, were only valid in the moment. Once we lost that high, it felt unrealistic to stay in our little universe any longer. I understood that. I understood, but who would've thought that the last time we spoke to each other ended up in an argument? I could’ve listed all the things to make you reconsider, but I was too heartbroken at your words, so I said everything else out of frustration.

“That can’t be the only reason why you’re just… giving it all up."

_Tell me so I can fix it._

“I’ve been getting worn out recently, you know? Or more like, for the past year… Haven’t you felt the same?”

Of course I have. The nights where my thoughts kept me up to the point of insomnia is more than enough evidence, but we’re not the same Yeonjun-hyung. I don’t want to disappoint others with this role I chose. At the time, I thought about how you were so willingly able to give up your dream until I realized that you had new ones. I was a fool to think that I was a part of them.

“What about everyone else? You can’t just do this so suddenly—”

“That’s the point, Soobin-ah; I’m not doing this for anyone else. I made this decision because I think it’s the best for me. You’ll support me, yeah? I just want to live peacefully and honestly just thinking about it right now, I’m already excited.”

“You’ll ruin everything, you know that right? You’ll ruin everything that we worked so hard for! How can you do this to us?!”

_How can you do this to me?_

I know I was an asshole. I didn’t mean to yell. I was truly just angry at myself. I’m sorry for making you look at me like that. Trust me when I say that I regret it. 

I wish I had your courage. If so, I would’ve tried to be more honest with you. I just realized that we were both lying about our feelings at that time. I guess we're exactly the same.

Why didn’t I notice it before? You had a lackluster gaze whenever we’d finish practicing. Interviews were just a repetition of meaningless words. We thought you were just in a rut and that you’d get back to being the performer you were born to be once we get back to promotions. Why didn’t I notice how unfair I was treating you? You were suffering and I didn't notice.

There were moments where I thought my dreams came true. You looked at me the same way that I've looked at you for years. We’d meet again and I'll still find you intimidating because of how much influence you have over me. I’d see your smile, and then I'd wake up.

The next thing I knew, you came to us. With a nervous smile that I haven't seen since you said goodbye, you revealed your relationship. A two-year relationship worthy enough to brag about to your friends, to the people you trust. To reveal the reason why you abandoned the group and the role as an idol. I felt like crying all over again.

It was like the world was crashing before me. It was so bright, like everything was on fire and my legs were caving in. This fire that used to brighten my days was suddenly too much to bear. You weren’t looking at me, and I'm glad you never did because my presence would have ruined your moment. Though, I'm glad that I was there that day because I was able to witness your proposal. You always loved romance; a picnic under a fully-bloomed cherry blossom tree. It was perfect for you, picturesque even, but I shouldn't have watched any longer. I was torturing myself, but I missed seeing your smile. I couldn't help myself from watching pure love radiate from your face in the form of glittering tears and flushed cheeks. I’m glad you had someone to wipe your tears; I’m sure they treasure them like I did. I’m happy for you because this was what you deserved. This was another dream you accomplished and I’m still amazed.

You know why I was there in the first place? It was the same day that I messaged you to apologize about the past, but you said you were busy. I was sulking, so I went somewhere that would make me feel better. It would always be the place that reminded me of you, your eyes, and your smile.

Now we’re worlds apart, because I realized I was too late in fulfilling that dream of yours. I failed again, but I’ll be alright, because did you know that one of my dreams was your happiness? I’ll be alright; I just didn’t think that this was what happiness meant for you.


	2. Chapter 2

Soobin-ah, it’s been awhile. I’m using this letter as an excuse to delay my emotions. I don't know how long this will take me to finish and if I’ll even give it to you. I don't have your number anymore and when I think of you subconsciously, I wonder if I should reach out first. Should I try? If someone asks, it’s to reconnect with a past friend of mine, to make amends. But if I’m doing this after all these years, what does that mean? What do you mean to me? I'm still trying to figure that out. 

Let me mention why I even started writing this. He proposed to me when the moon was at its brightest. But why did we have to be there? It used to be my favorite place, but now it's been tainted with my lies. How unfortunate, right? I only loved going there with you. I never fully grasped my own feelings, so when I was confronted with a question that I thought would improve my life, I blindly accepted. I didn't even know what the lake looked like that night. That's how much I tried to avoid thinking about you. I thought I could convince myself to love someone who showed me affection in the way that I always yearned for, but realizing it now, I wished it was you. I guess I used him as an escape. I’m a horrible person. I was running away again. 

It was weird. Whenever the topic of what to hope for in the future was brought up, we all shared them with each other and you never mentioned relationships nor marriage. I just thought that you were never interested in those things. Did you ever resent me for saying that I wanted to have a family of my own? Those words held as much weight as a young teen could possibly imagine, so they were never true. Back then, the others just joked around with those words, but you were silent. Were we thinking the same thing?

The first time I saw you, I didn't think I'd be so interested in someone that quickly. I said that you were handsome as a fleeting thought to my friends. It didn't matter if they agreed with me or not; I just wanted to say it out loud to affirm that sputter in my chest. 

I tried to be friendly with everyone. Since I'm spending most of my youth here, I’d rather not be alone. I thought that'd be the extent of our relationship as peers because that's how it’s supposed to be. A short introduction and an exchange of names until we get grouped up for exercises, but my eyes seemed to keep following you. It was as if you were an angel and everywhere you went held that magic; spring came in the middle of winter and a flower bloomed in the thick snow. That was when I knew that I wanted to get to know you. So I approached you. 

Did I joke around too much? Maybe my teasing got excessive overtime, but everything I did was sincere. I noticed how playful you were to the others so I joined along. I didn't realize how much I liked seeing you get so flustered just as much as I appreciated you reciprocating. I was satisfied with what we had because that’s how our friendship started anyways. You didn’t shy away from me even when I thought I was being too forward. I wanted to get to know you more under the pretense of a close friend, but I was secretly hoping for a bit more. 

  
  


I finally got a sliver of that wish. It was just us under the moonlight. The night air was cool because the time we spent together was warm. Every time the moonlight strikes me, I think of you. The stars that night amounted to how much I loved you. That’s how much I thought of you as the world, and you were my world. Every time I see you in my dreams, I would confess that. I wanted to give up this life and be trapped in that dream forever, but you were starting to get blurry. Was it my tears resurfacing? 

We spent the day like a lovesick couple and at night, like lovers in that hotel, but to you, it wasn’t meant to be serious. The sunlight that illuminated your figure, the same sunlight that used to bloom my flowers of longing, was burning me. I didn't know what to say while you looked so terrifyingly beautiful that morning.

“Let’s forget about this. We were drunk anyways.” 

“...Is that what you really want?”

“What other choice do we have? We _can’t_ be doing this, hyung.”

My feelings were already a mess. It didn't help that you closed yourself off whenever I wanted to talk about it. Fine, I’ll just convince myself that it was the alcohol, and I stopped thinking further. I stopped letting my mind wander into another fantasy that only you could fulfil. It was our silent agreement, even though I had so much to say. So can I say it now? It won't matter anymore because time is cruel, but it’s been suffocating. I don't regret what we did. At that moment, I felt loved. You showed me a glimpse of my dream becoming reality and I’ll always be grateful for it. 

  
  


I cared for you and I didn’t realize that it was a love beyond what I could comprehend. Love shouldn't be controversial, but society’s just that way. I'd rather just avoid it entirely. But what if I confessed? On the nights where we were alone and I had enough courage from the moon to do so. What would you have done? I thought that once I let it off my chest and revealed my heart in front of you, I'd be satisfied. But I feared what would happen after the most.

Maybe I should’ve just done it and given you the opportunity to push me away, to hate me. Because only then would I be able to let you go if you pushed me away with the same disgust I had towards myself. You always had my trust, so I’d accept anything that you’d do. 

It felt like a dream debuting and I can say that for all of us. We endured and succeeded together. It was even more surreal doing it all with you by my side. We all worked hard, so I didn't want to ruin our future by staying. I would've been miserable with my hidden feelings otherwise. I could only bear with them for so long. I'm not as strong as you think. My heart was already broken before I had the chance to take care of it properly. Instead of jeopardizing everyone I cared for, I thought it’d be best if I left on my own accord. I'd rather separate myself before plaguing everyone around me with my selfish thoughts. I wanted to stay, but I felt guilty. Having these feelings for you, even when I knew that it’d be impossible, I still kept them until the last moment. I wanted it to last. I really did. 

I was stupid, but thank you for being that person that I could rely on. I knew too late in life that our first meeting was the beginning of my first love. Choi Soobin, you are my first love. You can never forget the one who first held and broke your heart. I know it’s a love that won't be returned, so I’ll just continue on my own.

“You’ll ruin everything, you know that right? You’ll ruin everything that we worked so hard for! How can you do this to us?!”

Even when I asked for it, it still hurt me to see you so angry.

“Soobin-ah, I know this seems _wrong,_ especially after all we've been through, but I know what I’m getting myself into. The media coverage might be crazy in the beginning, but I know that it'll be fine—" 

"Sure, everything might be fine again—people will eventually accept it, you can continue doing whatever you want but— _it won’t be the same_. What's the point in coming to me if you've already made your decision?"

You started crying, but it wasn’t fair. I felt like crying before I even spoke to you. I felt sorry for myself and used my dishonesty to deflect how much pain I was feeling. Just this once, I’m going to lie to you and I'll continue until the moment I have to leave. Just bear with it for now. You wouldn't have understood because I didn’t want you too. I’m sorry. 

Did you know? That my world became less lonely ever since you were born? You only bring good people around you because you love others well. That's why I want to thank you for wanting to keep me at your side, it makes me think that I was a good person, at least for the time being. I’ll become a bad person in front of you if it means that you’ll let me go. 

It was gratifying seeing my name and face becoming lesser known. Because of that I was able to travel and make my own opportunities without being tied to that former title. I'll always be proud of being a part of the group, but I couldn't express myself in the way that I can do now. I didn't care about how the public would react or what they'd think of me. I stopped looking up my name online, but then I became obsessed with looking up yours. I didn't mean to, but it became a habit whenever I'd be reminded of you and wonder about how you're doing. The disbandment was received well and I almost wanted to message you, but it wasn’t my place to do so. The articles were enough for me.

I didn't think that you wanted to be an actor. Has that always been your dream? Were you always that good at presenting your emotions? 

Your girlfriend is really pretty. I’m happy for you and I wish you two the best. 

When we said goodbye, it was just a short moment, but it contained too much lingering feelings. I left, unknowingly carrying it with me. 

When we meet, I'll tell you a thousand times over. I could write it down, but that wouldn't be enough, because once you read it, you’ll forget about it. You don't have to do anything with my confession. I just wanted you to know and I hope to be by your side as an old friend. I'm not sure if this is the best thing to do because I've made a lot of mistakes before. But I know for a fact that the memories I had with you will last forever. Because of you, every insignificant thing became special, something so ordinary became brilliant. The world was beautiful because you were in it. That was enough for me. We’ll meet and from then on, I’ll be a better person for you.


End file.
